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Starting Over is Hard...
So a couple of years ago my relationship of 8 years ended. My partner who was a marine called it an end. After years of his cheating, lying and broken promises he kicked me out.
I want to share this with everyone because I was so broken I was at the point of taking my own life. I was collapsed in my sister kitchen crying and ready for the pain to end. Yet I wasn't ready to take my own life I asked for help, I begged for it. I wanted to feel something other then the pain in my chest.
I checked myself in that night and spent a little over a week in the mental ward. Read moreCollapse )

I was just wondering if anybody on this past Valentine's Day, with a partner, still could not enjoy this so-called "romantic" holiday, because they were too busy worrying about their partner's past "lovers," or their own. I don't know, I feel like I magically turned into a bitch overnight, and yesterday, when I woke up, all hell broke loose. I went to a wedding and was attempting to dance with my boyfriend (He really doesn't dance). I got so annoyed with him, I said "You could dance with that bitch at prom, why can't you dance with me?" He obviously got mad and stormed off. At one point during the night, we were ready to fight right on the dance floor, so my dad (the groom) had to separate me, while the bride took my boyfriend as a dancing partner. Soo yeah, does anyone else get as annoyed as I do about Valentine's Day, jealousy, guys who don't dance, etc.?

(no subject)
i know this community is not very active.

i just got my heart broken and first i couldnt cry. i just kept trying to bargain, i was in disbelief, then i could not stop sobbing. i could not stop thinkin about killing myself. it wasnt the break up all by itself that made me suicidal, it was a lot of things. a lot of heart break in my life and a lot of disappointments.

its too complicated to kill myself. maybe if i did it 2 years ago, then it coulda worked out. just, now i can't and i know i would survive. this man makes me want to do this because of how quickly he threw me away as if i wasnt there for him for the past 7 months. i knew him for 2 years and he knew i was in an abusive relationship before him. he knew how men treat me so badly and take advantage of me. yet, he was the one to hurt me the most.

i just can't get over it, he told me hes still in love with his ex girlfriend and always saw me as just a friend. a friend who he had been sleeping with consistently for the past 7 months. a friend who he had spent special days with, a friend who he kissed passionately and hugged. a friend who he called baby, a friend who was always there when he needed me. sigh, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me, that i can't keep a man. i've dumped a man before. i wasn't cruel about it. my abusive ex, i am the one who dumped him, we were on and off. i left him though, after trying so hard for us.

now, i don't know what to do with myself. i dont find any joy out of anything. i made myself into a better person for my recent ex. i turned my life around for him. now, i dont give a fuck. i've become a slut again. playing with mens emotions and sleeping with them. i am having a hard time having sex though. having meaningful sex again. im picky about my sex partners.

i dont sleep with everyone, but i have past men who i can sleep with. i went back to my abusive ex and i didnt have sex with him at all. i just played with his emotions. i slept with my older friend who is 40, while i am 25. i have daddy issues, sleeping with him comforted me. all i can think about is who to use next. who to play games with, who to make suffer. i am angry. i am a nice person and i've always been nice, even when im treated like shit. i've never gotten the revenge that i've wanted for so long. never tried. now, i want to be a slut and fuck men over like they've done me. thats all, i will polish myself and become a bitch who plays with men. there is no such thing as love in my book. i can't love anymore or trust. this break up has turned me into a terrible person.

he said it!
R told me to stay the fuck away from him, that he is done. That he doesn't love me. I asked if he wanted anything to do with our baby, he said no. and that was it. All by text. I felt relived at first but this morning I woke up feeling depressed and wanting nothing more than to cry. I haven't contacted him at all today so I'm of that but i did look at his page and he changed his status from Married to N (me) to widowed. He killed me off, nice. I want to stop feeling anything towards this so called man. I don't want to love him or miss him. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be me again. Some how I don't believe him though. I have a feeling he will regret what he said. He will regret this decision. I will be expecting the text in a few months. I just hope I'm strong enough to tell him to go to hell. He probably feels he can get away with this because I'm pregnant and can go out or date or anything like that, I'm safely kept at home.
So I couldn't sleep before but now all I want to do is sleep. Eating is still a problem. I try to make my self eat but its difficult. I'm just so depressed and the hormones are making it so much more intense. I don't feel well at all. I feel so alone and empty. I hate this, I want it over.

what can I say?
Well I'm here again. I know how you feel because I'm going through it right now and I'm pregnant, makes all this pain so much more intense. I welcome you to read my entries on my journal. I'm here for anyone who wants to talk. Talking/listing helps me stay busy and my mind off things at the time. I'm sure I'll be here often since writing all the none sense down helps too a little.

i knew before she even told me....
 When A. called and said that she had news about you, I knew. "He is marrying her, isn't he?" I think she was surprised that I knew and that I took it so well. I  guess I had just felt it coming (and I know how you work). Sadly I know it could have been me or any other girl...this was the next step for you. It was what I wanted too. We were the only crazy ones our age who wanted to get married .Hell it was me you used to talk about marrying... back when we used to talk. Last I heard from you (back in may :() you were talking to me so casually and saying that you were sorry we didn't speak more. Then you just disappeared. I haven't heard from you since.  I still think about you all the time, I wish we could have been friends like you always said we would. I would have done anything for you even as a friend but you for some reason pushed me out of your life. So this is it I guess. I feel like maybe you are gone for good, Despite the promises you made of seeing me by the new year and being in my life and not bailing on me ever again. *sigh* On one hand I want to hear from you desperately but on the other I hope you stay gone cause I can't deal with your lies, drama and empty promises... You were my first love and I will always love you and miss you. I will always wish we had made it work but I can never get past how you have hurt, used and lied to me. One day though you will realize that you turned your back on a loyal and caring person who would have settled for what you  could give even if it was less than she deserved. You don't deserve anything from me...but I still am praying you call or write me soon. I know I'm only 19 but I'm pretty sure my one already got away.... I feel so lost and scattered...

&& now i'm never alone
Going through all the old motions seems too tedious, even for me. Yet, once I try numbing the pain with substances, I immediately regret taking away the hurt.
The hurt is what teaches me to live. It hasn't killed me yet, I don't think it ever will. No one ever learned about love without getting burnt from its flame. If you think you have, it can't possibly be love. I told him, "You don't love me. If you did, it would have been first instinct. You would not have done what you did." It's not as simple as "not thinking," or "being stupid." I had times where I wanted to contact old interests/friends/whatever you call them, too, but I stopped myself thinking of you and how you would have felt. I acknowledged that you had emotions, and you couldn't at least return the favor?
You are right- you ruined a great thing. I guess it wasn't great enough. I guess that girl still occupies your mind. If this is true, I can't do it, anymore. It's happened before, and I am not letting myself be put through it again. Always feeling not good enough; never feeling like the missing piece; there truly is always someone better for you out there, and you already found them. So, if you have, why the hell am I here? Why did you let me in? I can't afford to let myself be second best for you; my confidence can't be shattered, anymore.

Desperate for advice.
I want to share a really deep secret with all of you.
Im a little scared, and I need your opinons because im getting my self hurt and I know I am.

I live in a house with 5 people. I slept with one of them, its not awkward or anything... thank goodness. But im having issues dealing with my feelings. VERY MUCH SO.

I liked him pre-encounter, well had feelings for him. I got drunk and stayed in his room all night, and he has a girlfriend but she lives 6 hours away if not more. My roommate who is really close to him told me that shes not good with him that shes a 'bitch'.Even then, I know i shouldnt have slept with him due to the fact that he would be cheating on her and I know its his job of saying no. Then I got a little intoxicated yet again, and stayed in his room all night, we just talked nothing more. I remember sobering up and him kinda cuddlingish me. Now things have changed, i found out the next morning that he wanted our other roommate to come up and tell me to goto my own room, yet i kept asking him if he wanted me to leave and he said "nah man you can stay here". I dont know if i should have just left or what. I just feel like he didnt want me around. I am a very upfront person, all he would have had to of said is can you go, or i dont want you to stay here tonight.

Now... His girlfriend is in the hospital and he seems like hes worried, because obviously its worrying. I can't stand the way im feeling right now, because in one case i just want to go up to him and hug him and say everything will be okay and she will get better. But in another breath im 'jealous' of his worrying on her -sad- yes i know and i shouldnt be like that but i cant help it. I really hope she gets better.
My one roommate said to me the other night, dont just lock up your feelings because you have no idea how he is feeling about the situation. But i do, me liking anyone gets me absolutly no where. I think i like drinking around him because hes safe to be around and i have nothing to worry about because in the morning i can blame it on the alcohol, but its all honest and truthful in everything i do. I just wish this wasnt going on so i can be realistic with the situation and tell my self NO. JUST DONT NO YOUR GOING TO GET HURT.

I REALLY need your help. Because im driving myself insane.
Im desperate for advice.

My break up story
House of cards
I'm really sad to see that this community hasn't been posted in for a while. I hope that it gets revived, because I really think a community like this could help people sort out their problems. Well, even if nobody is here, I would like to follow the rules and introduce myself while telling my break up story.

You can call me Daphne, and I've been referring to my ex as Apollo in my personal journal. We had dated for 4 years and two months before we broke up about three weeks ago. I was the one who broke it off--over the phone no less--and it was still the hardest thing that I'd ever done.

Our relationship had been rocky for about six months, and we both realized that. What Apollo did not realize was that I had been thinking of breaking up with him for most of that time. Communicating with him was the hardest thing. Whenever I tried to talk with him he pretty much ignored me. My concerns and problems were petty compared to his. I felt that there was no emotional connection between us. I am a very emotional person, but he still never noticed when I stopped saying "I love you." Furthermore, the entire time I stopped saying it, he never said it to me. A small example, I know, but I think it shows the lack of communication between us. When I asked for him to open up to me more, he told me I should "get over it" because he would not change. I feel like I tried my hardest to get through to him and make him respect me.

About a week ago, Apollo cornered me and forced me to clarify my reasons for breaking up with him. This conversation was the hardest part for me because all of the sudden he was the same man I fell in love with. He promised me he would change for me. He said he would do anything for me just to have me back, and I had to tell him no. I told him it was too late, and that I didn't think he would change.
I must revise my previous statement, because that was the hardest thing I had ever done. He also told me I should have tried harder to express my feelings to him, since he was clearly not getting it. He said it took something as severe as a break up to realize how bad things had gotten between us.

I held my ground and since then things have been pretty calm. I haven't heard from him, but my emotions are still all in an uproar. I keep wondering if I did the right thing, and I miss him terribly. I've been good so far and I haven't contacted him at all. Sometimes I am furious and other times I am just depressed. I know getting over a past relationship all takes time, so I doubt there is any advice for me, but I really felt the need to vent. So, there it is.

taurean von m.
My first taste of love was a magical and dangerous one.
there was a time, were we were inseperable.. everyone wanted to have what we had.
thats all in the past. we'll never be anything but lonely..
well for now.
ill miss him, and ill always want him to be the one who i have my baby with.
but hell never be the one.
He hates me.
I hate him.