- (no subject)
- February 13th, 2011
i know this community is not very active.
i just got my heart broken and first i couldnt cry. i just kept trying to bargain, i was in disbelief, then i could not stop sobbing. i could not stop thinkin about killing myself. it wasnt the break up all by itself that made me suicidal, it was a lot of things. a lot of heart break in my life and a lot of disappointments.
its too complicated to kill myself. maybe if i did it 2 years ago, then it coulda worked out. just, now i can't and i know i would survive. this man makes me want to do this because of how quickly he threw me away as if i wasnt there for him for the past 7 months. i knew him for 2 years and he knew i was in an abusive relationship before him. he knew how men treat me so badly and take advantage of me. yet, he was the one to hurt me the most.
i just can't get over it, he told me hes still in love with his ex girlfriend and always saw me as just a friend. a friend who he had been sleeping with consistently for the past 7 months. a friend who he had spent special days with, a friend who he kissed passionately and hugged. a friend who he called baby, a friend who was always there when he needed me. sigh, i just wonder what the hell is wrong with me, that i can't keep a man. i've dumped a man before. i wasn't cruel about it. my abusive ex, i am the one who dumped him, we were on and off. i left him though, after trying so hard for us.
now, i don't know what to do with myself. i dont find any joy out of anything. i made myself into a better person for my recent ex. i turned my life around for him. now, i dont give a fuck. i've become a slut again. playing with mens emotions and sleeping with them. i am having a hard time having sex though. having meaningful sex again. im picky about my sex partners.
i dont sleep with everyone, but i have past men who i can sleep with. i went back to my abusive ex and i didnt have sex with him at all. i just played with his emotions. i slept with my older friend who is 40, while i am 25. i have daddy issues, sleeping with him comforted me. all i can think about is who to use next. who to play games with, who to make suffer. i am angry. i am a nice person and i've always been nice, even when im treated like shit. i've never gotten the revenge that i've wanted for so long. never tried. now, i want to be a slut and fuck men over like they've done me. thats all, i will polish myself and become a bitch who plays with men. there is no such thing as love in my book. i can't love anymore or trust. this break up has turned me into a terrible person.